Theraverse . April 1, 2024

What is love? Love is like a warm hug on a cold day, the feeling of home in someone’s embrace and the deep affection shared by two people. Everybody has their own definitions for it. But the two most important characteristics in love are understanding and caring. Understanding involves comprehending a partner’s thoughts, perspectives and feelings. It’s about listening, empathising and seeking to see things from their point of view. Caring is an expression of pure, genuine concern that one has with one another. Just like understanding and caring, there are love languages that enhance a relationship. Providing words of affirmation, spending quality time with each other, physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts. But just like love languages there are also anger languages that shape the dynamics between individuals in a relationship. Anger languages can poison a healthy relationship.

There are five anger languages:

1. Righteous : righteous language refers to the expression “I’m right, you’re wrong”. This kind of anger makes arguments worse by not listening to others. It makes people stick to their own beliefs more strongly and makes disagreements bigger. A study found that some people use feelings like righteous anger to feel better about themselves, thinking it shows they’re morally good. In relationships, using this anger on purpose can cause big problems. It makes trust and understanding between partners get worse, making it hard to fix things and be close.

2. Indignation : this type of language refers to the expression “How could you?” This kind of anger comes with a tone of disbelief suggesting that the person who is angry did not deserve what happened. It’s a way of turning things around and usually makes both people feel defensive. In relationships, acting like the victim can be really harmful because it avoids taking responsibility. When one person always acts like they’re the one who has been wronged, it makes the other person feel like they’re always to blame. This defensive attitude stops both people from growing and making up. It’s important to understand why someone feels this way and talk openly to solve problems in a good way.

3. Retribution : this type of language refers to the expression “You’ll pay for that” or the classic “an eye to eye”. It is said that this is the most infectious of the anger languages and it can be dormant for long periods of time. This type of language is characterised by a desire for revenge. The fight not only makes the gap between people bigger but also stops them from making up and solving problems. Trying to get back at each other makes it hard to understand and forgive each other. People might end up saying or doing things that hurt the relationship, making it harder to fix.

4. Distraction : this type of language refers to the expression “What about that time when…?” Using distraction means avoiding talking about your own mistakes or faults by bringing up past wrongs of the other person. By talking about unrelated things, people avoid taking responsibility and ignore the real problems. This distraction is a way to make themselves look good while hiding what they’ve done wrong.

5. Justification : this type of language refers to the expression “You had it coming“. Justification means thinking your anger is right because you believe you were treated unfairly. People who justify their anger often blame others and don’t take any responsibility themselves. They hold onto their anger and refuse to find a solution together. Also, justifying anger can make people feel like they have the right to be angry no matter what, even if it hurts the relationship. This makes them focus only on their own feelings and not care about how it affects the other person. This can lead to fighting just to prove who is right.

Management tips

1. Validate the person’s feelings of injustice while encouraging constructive dialogue. Help them channel their anger into productive actions, such as advocating for change or seeking resolution through peaceful means. Encourage them to listen actively to opposing viewpoints and consider alternative

2. Practise active listening and empathy to understand the root cause of their indignation. Validate their feelings while gently guiding them towards constructive communication. Encourage assertiveness rather than aggression, teaching them to express their concerns assertively while respecting others’ boundaries.

3. Foster empathy and perspective-taking to help individuals understand the consequences of seeking revenge. Encourage forgiveness and conflict resolution through peaceful means. Teach them coping strategies, such as mindfulness or emotional regulation techniques, to manage impulses and promote healing.

4. Create a supportive environment where individuals feel safe expressing their emotions without fear of judgement. Encourage self-reflection and introspection to identify underlying issues driving the distraction. Help them develop healthy coping mechanisms, such as communication skills and problem-solving strategies, to address challenges effectively.

5. Foster accountability and self-awareness by challenging rationalisations and encouraging honest self-reflection. Help individuals identify triggers and underlying emotions driving their justifications. Teach assertive communication skills and boundary-setting to promote healthier interactions and conflict resolution.

Managing anger effectively requires empathy, communication, and self-awareness. By understanding the different anger languages and implementing appropriate management strategies, individuals can navigate conflicts more constructively and cultivate healthier relationships. Encouraging open dialogue, validation of emotions, and assertive communication can foster understanding and promote resolution, leading to greater harmony and well-being in interpersonal dynamics.

By Aaliya Nazeer (Intern at Talk Therapy Clinic)

Resource:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/confessions-of-a-psychological-first-responder/202304/the-5-anger-languages-in-relationships