Theraverse . February 12, 2024

Understanding grief

We celebrate birth knowing fully well about the mortality of life, we celebrate the new beginnings, completely aware of its liminality, and yet we laugh, love and live in these moments of transient joy, letting ourselves dismiss the thoughts about it ending. We as humans with the ability to think, know that nothing lasts forever, from happiness to sadness. But just because we are cognizant of there being an end to everything, does that knowledge cushion us from experiencing the range of emotions that come with those endings? We may be rational beings with the ability to think, but are we not also sentient beings?

Grief is an overwhelming emotion commonly experienced as a consequence to loss. And this can be experienced through a range of emotions such as shock, disbelief, anger, sadness, guilt, relief and so on. Apart from psychological symptoms, there can be physiological symptoms, such as fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight fluctuations, aches, pains and insomnia. As common as it is for people to experience grief, it cannot be generalised since it is different for different people.

What we grieve

There is a there is a common misconception that only death causes grief. While that is partially true, it does not begin to do justice to the all-encompassing meaning of grief. Because death is not the only event that can cause grief. And the funny thing is that the society does not get to be the judge of what someone can or cannot grieve.

Sure, grieving the death of a loved one is a natural process, but so is someone grieving the loss of a friendship, a job, or a version of themselves that they miss. It is pertinent to acknowledge that regardless of the reason, the extent to which a person may feel those emotions may be similar and hence making any and all reasons valid. There is no invisible hierarchy of which reason is better or who gets to experience more pain. Since we may find it difficult to adapt to the idea of associating grief with anything but death, we have somewhere started to believe that we can strip someone of their right to grieve. And death is usually what we anticipate with grief, pushing all the other just-as-valid reasons behind the curtains and this is known as disenfranchised grief.

How we grieve

When you think of grief, if you think of a crying person, you are not the only one. Most people associate grief with sadness or crying. Even the media representation of grief and pain seems to be this with maybe the addition of some mellow music and back dancers. But contrary to popular belief, grief can sometimes feel like silence, relief or even perplexity. It’s a common myth that if you don’t cry, you don’t grieve or it doesn’t affect you much. Crying is a normal response to such situations but it is not the only response.

Our social circles with time may move on with life, it is the affected party who knows the extent of the wound and hence there can never be a set time frame for how long a person should grieve. It may differ from person to person. And if someone moves on with their life, it does not mean that they have forgotten their loss or that their grief was only superficial, moving on can just as easily mean that they have accepted the loss as well. We can carry the memory of this experience while still slowly progressing forward. At what pace and when that progress begins is subjective and should be respected.

Types of grief

1. Normal grief – emotional distress that accompanies a trauma
2. Complicated grief – the type of grief that worsens over time
3. Traumatic grief – after the sudden loss of a loved one
4. Chronic grief – a grief that does not subside
5. Anticipatory grief – grief experienced while waiting for a loved one to pass
6. Disenfranchised grief – grief that does not usually come under the larger society’s understanding of loss
7. Distorted grief – may give feelings of guilt and anger
8. Exaggerated grief – start out as normal but grow in intensity with time
9. Masked grief – when experienced, you may not even be aware of the symptoms such as anger or impulsive behaviour that are related to loss
10. Inhibited grief – can manifest in the form of chronic headaches, stomach ache or even muscle and body aches
11. Collective grief – when a whole community, city or country experience it
12. Cumulative grief – when a current loss may dredge up feelings of a loss you have suffered in the past
13. Prolonged grief – when normal grief lasts for 12 months or longer
14. Abbreviated grief – a short-lived yet bona fide grief
15. Delayed grief – grief getting postponed for weeks and months
16. Absent grief – when you show few or no signs of grieving

How to help a griever

• Let them take the lead – it may be difficult to read the griever and it’s better not to assume, so let them take the lead and support them with whatever they need help with
• Practical help – practically helping the grieving person out if they need help with cooking meals or doing laundry
• Be vigilant – some days or places may bring up memories of this grief and being aware of such factors and either calling them or spending time with them on those tough days will show that you have not forgotten about them
• Listen – if grief is coming through loss, there is not much you can do to fix it, but making them feel heard or giving them a space to crawl into emotionally can go a long way
• Selflessness – you might feel better if you helped the grieving person in some way, but the desire to make yourself feel better is not as important as the needs of the griever and hence even if they shut you out and ask for space, give it to them until they are ready to talk about it or take help.

Ways to cope with grief

• Take care of your physical health – grief can immediately affect sleep, appetite and hydration. While it can be really difficult to pay attention to these during such emotional distress, it is also extremely important
• One step at a time – it may be difficult to imagine a future when the present feels all-consuming, so take it one day at a time. Allow yourself to experience your emotions and do not let anyone including yourself to dictate how much or for how long you should grieve.
• Prepare for grief triggers – anniversaries, birthdays, festivals or any significant days can trigger the thoughts about grief more, prepare yourself mentally to be reminded of that experience. You can also create your own personal rituals to celebrate or commemorate that loss.
• Creative expression of grief – using art, dance, music or writing, try to create a creative outlet for the grief. Journaling is a great way to express your thoughts.
• Therapy – the sadness may not disappear completely but the intensity should subside over time. If you have been experiencing the same amount of grief for years then it may be a condition known as complicated grief. May it be grief on an adaptive level or complicated grief, therapy from certified professionals can always help.

By Jensita Grace (In-house Psychologist, Theraverse)

Resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/grief

https://www.michigan.gov/mdcs/-/media/Project/Websites/mdcs/ESP/griefloss.pdf

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/grief-loss