Theraverse . April 14, 2025

As Chennaiites we have no concept of a good weather day but in the off chance that we do get one of those, my favorite way to spend it would be people-watching at a park. It’s almost like relationship theatre. Each couple that passes by tells a story, and if we look closely, we can spot glimpses of different attachment styles in action.

A couple sitting on the bench across from you. One leans in, talking, looking for eye contact. The other scrolls on their phone, occasionally nodding but mostly distracted. The leaning-in partner might reflect an anxious attachment style, seeking reassurance and connection while their partner could be showing signs of avoidant attachment, maintaining distance.

Further down, you notice a couple sitting side by side but angled away from each other, barely speaking. There’s tension in the space between them, like they want to connect but don’t quite know how. This might hint at a fearful-avoidant attachment, a push-pull dynamic where both closeness and distance feel risky.

And of course, there’s the couple walking their dog, chatting casually, occasionally bumping shoulders or laughing at something small. Nothing dramatic, just ease and presence. A glimpse of secure attachment, where connection is steady and respectful.

All about attachment!

Attachment isn’t something we wear on our sleeves, but it often plays out in how we reach for connection, handle conflict, or respond to closeness. What we learn about relationships early on doesn’t vanish, it simply shows up in our adult dynamics.

Speaking of learning it early on, our attachment with our primary caregiver plays a major role in how we develop these styles of attachment. Anxious, avoidant and fearful-avoidant are insecure styles of attachments that may be caused due to inconsistent or unavailable care in early childhood. Whereas if a child experiences reliable and stable attachments early on, that may help develop secure attachment in adulthood. Although there is over 5 decades of research on this connection, we have to take it with a pinch of salt as many other factors may also influence attachment. Working on building insight, learning to break patterns and being intentional about growth can help alter any learned unhealthy attachment. Sometimes attachment changes naturally with age and experiences as well.

Here are few ways to build a secure attachment style:

1. If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably experience fear of abandonment, crave closeness and feel sensitive to disconnection, here are three techniques that may help you take a step closer to secure attachment.
   • “Wait 20 Minutes” Before Reaching Out – Before sending that anxious text or calling again, set a timer for 20 minutes. In that space, do something grounding (walk, write, stretch). This helps you soothe before seeking reassurance. This can help build internal safety and decreases emotional impulsivity
   • “Past proof” – Create a list or note in your phone of the times people did show up for you. Revisit it when your mind goes into “they’ll leave me” spirals. This helps to counter catastrophizing with evidence.
   • Solo dates – Plan one meaningful solo activity a week such as a coffee, art, a walk, etc. with no distractions. Check in with yourself emotionally before and after. This strengthens the belief that you can enjoy yourself and feel whole without constant external closeness.

2. If you are someone with an avoidant attachment style then you might fear commitment, find it difficult to trust others and downplay needs to continue being independent. Here are three ways to build secure attachment.
   • “Feel First, Fix Later” – Before jumping into solution-mode or withdrawing, pause and ask yourself what you are feeling right now that you want to avoid.
     Give yourself atleast a minute to answer.
   • Micro Doses – Once a day, share one small personal feeling or opinion with someone you trust. Nothing major, just enough to gently stretch your comfort zone. And learn to ask for help on small, low-stakes things and build your way up. This can help cultivate emotional intimacy without flooding.
   • Scheduled connection time – Set aside a regular time slot (even 10 mins a day) to connect with someone emotionally to either talk, share or check in even if you don’t feel like it. Can create safe consistency to rewire avoidance habits.

3. If you have fearful-avoidant attachment you might be stuck in a loop of wanting intimacy but fearing it, feeling both clingy and distant at times. Here are few techniques that can nurture more stable ways to attach.
   • Opposite Action – When you want to run or shut down, try staying few minutes longer in the interaction. When you want to cling, try pausing and breathing before reaching out.
   • Fact vs opinion – although sometimes our thoughts say “they are going to leave” the fact might say “they have not replied in 30 minutes”. Learning to separate which is which can eliminate past fears from influencing the present reality.
   • Name the “Protective Voice” – Give a name to the voice that tells you not to trust, open up, or get close. Then write to it: “Thank you for protecting me. But I don’t need you to take over right now.” This way you can externalize the fear-based part so it doesn’t hijack your relational choices.

Free helpful worksheets:

• Anxious attachment
• Journaling prompts for anxious attachment
• Creating secure attachment
• Identifying needs in a relationship
• Mapping emotions

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By,

Jensita Grace

In-house Psychologist, Theraverse

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Resources:

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/25170-attachment-styles

https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-article/creating-secure-attachment

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-insecure-attachment-style#recap

https://positivepsychology.com/attachment-style-worksheets/#worksheets