Theraverse
.
March 10, 2025
Happily, ever after!
I’m at that phase of life where, the people around me are either getting married or looking to. From deciding on caterers to picking the perfect venue, it’s a long list of wallet-emptying chores that most of my friends are drowning in. But I’ve noticed a consistent pattern with what the people getting married want, versus what ends up happening. I wonder if the stereotype of “big fat Indian weddings” would even exist if the societal discourse on what a wedding should look like, did not weigh in on the decision making.
One of the loudest concepts that the discourse perpetuates is the idea of a bride and a groom in union, leaving the members of the LGBTQ+ community questioning their place in forever-dom. Although decriminalising section 377 of the IPC in 2018 was a landmark judgement in legalising same-sex relations, marriages are still not in the picture for the queer community in India, which is why lavender marriages came about as a work-around.
Lavender marriages back then – historical significance
Popular in the early 20th century, lavender marriages were usually between a gay man and lesbian woman, or between one queer partner and one straight partner. (Historically, the colour lavender has been associated with homosexuality and hence the name.)
Although the two partners were not romantically interested in each other, they would enter into a heterosexual marriage to avoid the discrimination that would come with being openly gay. These marriages allow individuals to maintain appearances, avoid stigma, and, in many cases, protect themselves from violence, or ostracization.
While the term originated in Hollywood’s Golden Age, where actors entered such marriages to protect their careers, the phenomenon is not limited to any one culture or time period. In India, marriage is not just a personal decision, it is a familial and societal expectation, leaving little room for those whose truths do not align with the norms.
Lavender marriages rebranded – by Gen Zers
Lately the conversations around lavender marriages have been resurfacing as the Gen Zers (born between the late 1990s and early 2010s) are rebranding its meaning.
They are considering lavender marriages not because they want to hide their sexualities, but because they are disillusioned by the dating scene, and want to find a platonic partner they can split living costs with. Instead of looking for romantic love or sexual compatibility, they’re looking for friendship, consistency, and financial security.
This take on lavender marriages has sparked quite the debate and reasonably so, because the idea of taking a concept that was born out of discrimination and normalising it while also redefining the meaning of a marriage is juggling too many knifes at once, especially in a collectivistic society such as ours. Although it can meet the eye as liberal at first there could be significant mental health ramifications to this version as well.
Mental health impact
There are the obvious benefits to this rebranding from sharing the cost of health insurance, tax benefits, having a built-in support system, babysitter (if you’re a parent), and safety especially given the increase in intimate partner violence lately.
But it would be ignoring a lighthouse in a storm to overlook the potential risks. Lavender marriages can be emotionally risky, especially if you’re not upfront about your expectations and boundaries from the start.
Even if you enter into a purely platonic and/or non-monogamous agreement, there’s a chance that one or both partners might develop romantic feelings, complicating the arrangement and potentially leading to heartbreak. While heartbreak can certainly happen in a “traditional marriage,” too, the stakes are arguably higher if the whole point is to marry for practical reasons. Not to mention the jealousy that could come if one partner starts dating someone else even if it’s “technically” allowed, and you’re concealing your real feelings.
Constantly having to play unstable roles with blurring boundaries and unreliable rules can cause attachment issues, identity crisis, co-dependency, anxiety along with various other mental health conditions.
Liberating redefinition or a failing system?
At first glance, this shift appears empowering! A rejection of societal expectations and an embrace of alternative relationships. But this isn’t happening because the world is becoming more accepting of non-traditional partnerships, it’s happening because modern systems are failing young people.
Skyrocketing living costs, emotional burnout from modern dating, and the erosion of long-term stability have pushed many to seek intimacy in the safest way possible, one that removes the risks of heartbreak, betrayal, or economic instability. Earlier lavender marriages came about as a shield of protection for queer people, due to fear and helplessness. Now, I wonder if heterosexual people are also joining the same queue and seeking out these marriages for survival, if that is the case, then is it really rebranded?
If people want this, choose this and prefer to be in companionship through lavender marriages, the last thing I want to offer is social commentary, as it is not an objective decision for all of us to part-take. But if the choice feels like the only saving grace to having stable attachments, then it is worth questioning the kind of relational climate we as a society are walking towards!
Moments where media came through…
The portrayal of lavender marriages that were handled with intention in the recent past:
- Bhadaai Do – 2022 (Netflix)
- Kaathal – The Core – 2023 (Amazon Prime)
.
By,
Jensita Grace
In-house Psychologist, Talk Therapy Clinic
.
Resources:
https://www.wikihow.com/Lavender-Marriage
https://www.theswaddle.com/what-is-a-lavender-marriage-and-why-is-it-still-popular-in-india
