Theraverse
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March 14, 2025
I have been attending the pride march every year since I was 16, and the understanding my parents have of the LGBTQ+ community has been growing over the years. Although the awareness has improved significantly, till date they feel the need to check in with me if I’m still an ally or a member, not from a place of curiosity but fear.
Such is the reality for most Indian families in the recent times even though 2021 Ipsos survey found that 17% of the Indian population identify as non-heterosexual. The number of outwardly orthodox comments and ostracization may be reducing, but acceptance has mostly only been limited to the world around and not within their own homes.
A mental health survey by NIMHANS showed that LGBTQIA+ individuals are at a higher risk of mental health issues, with a significant percentage reporting symptoms of depression and anxiety. That said, one of the most important milestones that can feel immensely overwhelming, anxiety inducing and yet liberating for a queer person, is the experience of “coming out”. This is a process that some individuals who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning experience as they tell themselves, family, friends, and society about their sexual orientation or gender identity.
Coming out can look and feel different for everyone going through it. Sometimes it can look like a long conversation with the family, but sometimes it can also be a shift in the way a person dresses, behaves and feels. If we were to broadly understand the stages of coming out, ignoring the inevitable subjective differences, it leaves us with,
- Coming out to self
- Coming out to others
- Living out
Stage 1 can feel specifically burdensome for people in a seemingly secular country like India. The cultural and spiritual rootedness, can make the process of accepting the identity as not sinful longer and harder. Stage 3 is again a complex journey as some even after coming out to self and others would prefer not to live overtly expressing their affirming gender/sexuality, either as a preference or for self-preservation. Every stage has its own crests and troughs but this article will specifically offer techniques and tools by a psychologist for stage 2 which is the process of coming out to others.
Effective tools for stage 2:
Write a “Coming Out letter”
- Before coming out to others, write a letter to yourself about what this moment means to you. Include affirmations like, “I deserve to live authentically,” or “My identity is valid.” This can help anchor your confidence before sharing with others. Here are some journaling prompts to get you started!
- If I could visualize my future self, one year after coming out, what would they tell me?
- What are my biggest fears about coming out, and how can I better prepare myself for this experience?
- What is the most important thing I want people to understand about me?
- What do I expect out of this experience (Eg. hug, acceptance, validation) and are my expectations realistic?
- What frame of mind do I need to operate from when I’m having this conversation?
- After coming out, every time you experience a happy or affirming moment as an LGBTQ+ person, write it down. Revisit these entries when you need a boost.
Roleplay with a Supportive Friend
- Practice saying, “I’m [your identity]” out loud. If nervous, try saying it to a mirror or record yourself to normalize hearing your own truth.
- If possible, practice with a trusted friend before telling someone whose reaction you’re unsure about.
- If you anticipate awkward or tough questions (e.g., “Are you sure?” or “Is this a phase?”), prepare answers in advance so you feel ready instead of caught off guard.
Know your audience
- Before coming out, try and test the waters to understand their level of awareness by watching a movie/show featuring LGBTQ+ characters or sharing memes, news articles can become natural conversation starters.
- Be prepared to educate others about what being LGBTQ+ means to you. Use simple, clear language to explain your identity and feelings.
- Recognize that both you and the person you’re coming out to (if close to you) may experience a range of emotions. Allow space for reactions and feelings to be shared.
- Sometimes the location you choose to have this conversation can be important, some people prefer to do it privately at home, some others prefer a public space, so in case there is a non-affirming response they wont associate it with their personal space.
Have a “Coming Out partner”
- If you’re coming out to someone difficult, have a supportive person on standby to text or call right after. If you live with family and are unsure of their reaction, have a “safe word” or backup plan with your person in case you need to leave or have emotional support. Sometimes going through coming out journeys with fellow community members can also help.
- Use “I” Statements – Express your feelings and experiences using statements like “I feel” or “I am.” This helps to emphasize that this is about your identity and not a choice.
Take the Win
- Regardless of how the other person reacts, acknowledge that it still takes a lot to even have the conversation, so plan something just for you post-coming-out, whether it’s a bubble bath, baking rainbow cupcakes, journaling, or rewatching your favorite LGBTQ+ show.
- Associate coming out with self-celebration, and not just with the reactions you received or the stress that led up-to it.
- Set a yearly reminder of the day you came out as a way to celebrate your growth, courage, and authenticity.
Coming out is a deeply personal journey, one that is not defined by a single moment, but by the ongoing process of embracing who you are. Whether you choose to come out with a heartfelt conversation, a rainbow cake, or a meme, the most important thing is that you do it on your own terms. However, not every response may be affirming. If someone reacts with confusion, denial, or negativity, remember that their response is about them, not you. Some people may need time to process, while others may never fully understand and that’s okay but your identity is not up for debate.
Although many tips are mentioned in this article nothing is as invaluable as therapy as it helps process your emotions and feelings safely, deal with the anxiety about coming out, navigate triggers, anticipate coping strategies and allows us to work towards self-compassion and resilience.
Few responses we received from a question poll we posted for this article, to provide an account of lived experiences!
What made your coming out journey a little better?
- “What helped me the most is distancing myself from the idea that they have to be okay with it or have to accept it. Till today, they don’t really acknowledge it but it doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.”
- “Having supportive people around me really helped. It felt as if I was seen. It felt freeing. But it is scary. Even after being partially out, it is still daunting. I have to be cautious of my surroundings”
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By,
Jensita Grace,
In-house Psychologist, Talk Therapy Clinic.
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https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/closet-psychological-issues-being-and-coming-out
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culturally-speaking/201906/coming-terms-coming-out
https://www.shipspsychology.com.au/blog/your-psychological-safety-coming-out
https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/2012-09/Publications_NSVRC_Guides_Process-Coming-Out.pdf
