Theraverse
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June 6, 2025
If patriarchy were a medicine, it would come with a long list of side effects: anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, emotional disconnection and it would still be sold over the counter, especially in India.
Patriarchy seeps into everyday language, family structures, rituals, love stories, even what we think makes a “good man” or a “respectable woman.” And while we often talk about it as something that oppresses women, the truth is, it hurts everyone but just in different ways.
Patriarchy doesn’t always scream, sometimes it whispers! For men, it often appears as repressed emotions, outbursts they can’t explain, the silent pressures to perform or discomfort towards vulnerability. For women, it shows up as perfectionism disguised as care, guilt that lingers when they prioritise themselves, anxiety in the name of being ‘good enough,’ and a sadness that’s been taught to stay quiet.
Most clients don’t walk into therapy and say, “I’m here because of patriarchy.” Instead, they say things like, “I’m always exhausted and I don’t know why.” Or, “I feel selfish when I ask for something.” Or, “I’ve done everything I was supposed to, why do I still feel so empty?”
Unwarranted inheritance – patriarchy that lives within
Patriarchy that is internalized through repeated “shoulds,” “have-tos,” and “what-will-people-says” are far more insidious and detrimental than the loud, overt constructs that we could fight externally.
From a young age, many of us in India are taught our place before we are taught our potential. Patriarchal conditioning doesn’t just tell girls to be “good” and boys to be “strong” it builds mental templates that define what is acceptable, lovable, and worthy in us.
Over time, we begin to split into parts.
- A part of you wants to rest, but another part says, “You’re being lazy, your worth is in how much you give.”
- A part of you wants to cry, but a louder voice says, “Man up, don’t be weak.”
These voices aren’t random. They’re internalized fragments of a patriarchal society such as teachers, aunties, fathers, films, even loving mothers trying to protect their children from being “too much” for the world.
Mental health impact of these voices
- Chronic Guilt and the Inability to Say No
One of the most common emotional residues of internalized patriarchy is guilt, especially around rest, boundaries, and self-prioritization. Women, in particular, are conditioned to equate worth with sacrifice. When this belief becomes internalized, even the smallest act of self-care can feel “selfish.” It creates a constant state of internal vigilance, where the mind is scanning for signs of disapproval or “too muchness.”
- Emotional Repression and the Crisis of Masculinity
From boyhood, vulnerability is subtly punished. These unprocessed emotions can manifest as irritability, violence, relationship breakdowns, substance use, and internalized shame. It also fuels a mental health paradox: men may feel intense emotional pain but struggle to name it, let alone seek help for it.
- High-Functioning Anxiety and Perfectionism
Internalized patriarchy often shows up as perfectionism masked as competence, particularly in women and gender minorities. The drive to be “good,” “likable,” and “indispensable” is often rooted in fear of abandonment, failure, or being seen as “too emotional” or “not enough.” These individuals often appear high-achieving on the outside but are battling racing thoughts, self-doubt, and relentless pressure on the inside. This form of anxiety is rarely seen as a mental health concern because it’s rewarded in our culture. But left unaddressed, it leads to fatigue, sleep disorders, and a deep sense of unfulfillment.
- Depression That Wears a Mask
Patriarchy often teaches people to suppress dissent, shrink ambition, and smile through pain. This can lead to what psychologists sometimes call “smiling depression” where the person appears outwardly functional but feels emotionally numb, trapped, or invisible.
- Shame Around Desire, Anger, and Identity
Anger in women is labelled “dramatic.” Emotional needs in men are called “weak.” Sexual desire in anyone other than cisgender heterosexual men is often shamed or erased. The suppression of these natural human experiences doesn’t just lead to distress, it disconnects us from our aliveness. Over time, this can lead to depression, compulsive behaviours, or dissociation.
- Disconnection from the Authentic Self
Ultimately, the deepest impact of internalized patriarchy is a loss of authenticity. When we are raised to be good rather than real, we adapt by becoming who others want us to be. Over time, we lose access to our own needs, preferences, dreams, even our emotional compass. This disconnection can feel like a quiet existential ache. Clients often express it as a sense of not knowing who they are, feeling stuck in roles they didn’t choose, or experiencing a hollow kind of success.
Healing begins with recognition. Noticing when a thought isn’t truly ours. In therapy, we often help clients pause and ask:
- Whose voice is that?
- What part of you is speaking, the one who wants freedom or the one who fears rejection?
- Is this belief helping you live more fully or just helping you fit in?
Through self-inquiry, therapy, journaling, or parts work (like Internal Family Systems), we can begin to unblend from these internalized roles. We start to differentiate between inherited identities and chosen ones.
Because freedom isn’t just out there in policies and protests. It also begins in the privacy of our own minds, when we choose to question, soften, and rewrite the stories we’ve been given!
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By,
Jensita Grace,
In-house Psychologist, Theraverse
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Resources:
https://www.ipa.world/IPA/en/News/Patriarchy_hurts_men_and_women.aspx
https://www.webmd.com/depression/smiling-depression-overview
