Theraverse
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October 7, 2024
I got to watch Kanan Gill perform live, a standup comic known for his witty humor and perceptiveness. He was doing a set about relationships and don’t mind me, as I take the liberty here to paraphrase what he said. It was something on the lines of loving our partners through whatever happens for some “abstract reason” in marriages. I chuckled to myself as I realized how true it is and how abstract the reason can get sometimes. So many unsaid rules, roles, expectations, responsibilities automatically get added to cart, when people get married. And somehow even when a partner falters, the commitment cannot, as you have made a promise…through sickness and in health.
But what if a partner has enough love to give to more than one person, would the abstract reasons still stand unthreatened? When romantic or sexual partners become plural, would the idea of love still stay the same? If we take exclusivity out of the bargain, would the commitment still be unwavering?
Polyamory or consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is a relationship style where people have more than one romantic or sexual partner with the consent of all partners involved. Contrary to popular belief, it is not restricted to queer folx and is not a way to rationalize cheating. As a cis-het monogamous neurotypical person, I struggled to fully grasp polyamory in the beginning, that’s when I came across a quote from The Guardian by British writer Elf Lyons. She was talking about how liberating it is to get out of the shackles of idealistic relationship expectations and be empowered rather than restricted by love!
“Having the choice gave power over my wants. It forces you to be really honest, to live life with an undefended heart”
Makes me really wonder if monogamy would be as popular, if it wasn’t sold to us as the morally acceptable norm for the past several decades. And if you are thinking “people would marry more than one spouse all through history…”, it’s important to make the distinction between polygamy (which was mostly polygyny) and polyamory. In the former, the marriages did not involve the knowledge and consent of all partners involved, whereas in polyamory, mutual respect and open communication are non-negotiable.
Before we explore the connection between this and neurodivergence, let us quickly dip our brains into what neurodivergence is.
Neurodivergence is the term for when someone’s brain processes, learns, and/or behaves differently from what is considered “typical.” Rather than thinking there is something wrong or problematic when some people don’t operate similarly to others, neurodiversity embraces all differences. The concept of neurodiversity recognizes that both brain function and behavioural traits are simply indicators of how diverse the human population is.
The Crossover
Initially when we take a first look at CNM, it is easy to conclude as a misfit for neurodivergent people because it takes a great deal of socialising and vulnerability to expose oneself constantly to prospective partners. But after having gone through research articles, blogs, podcasts and testimonies about neurodivergent people practising Polyamory, it is starting to shape up as a more feasible alternative to monogamy.
“I think non-monogamy and neurodiversity are a match made in whatever place put peanut butter and jam together”
– Alyssa Gonzalez
(Author of Nonmonogamy and Neurodiversity: A More Than Two Essentials Guide)
Freedom and responsibility – The balance
Unlike monogamy, polyamory does not see living under the same roof as a prerequisite to commitment. The people in the arrangement have liberty over whether they want to live in their own spaces or cohabit. Many people with autism have specific personal preferences would prefer to not compromise their schedules for their partners and hence this independence over living spaces allows them autonomy and intimacy.
Long-distance relationships are often maintained through written exchanges. These allow emotional connection without feeling obligated to engage in physical interactions. Such remote and careful responding suits autistic people with challenges in verbal communication, auditory processing, or sensory sensitivities.
Overt honesty – The foundation
Open communication is salt to the framework of polyamory, without which the whole structure would crumble. Neurodivergent people don’t do very well with ambiguous, implicit rules. Making polyamory a much more suitable alternative where they can clearly spell out all the expectations, roles and non-negotiables.
The tendency for most autistic people to be compelled towards overt honesty may, at times, cause more frequent disclosure of desires for additional partners. In turn, this may lead to negotiation for CNM instead of pursuing an affair, to maintain a sense of integrity.
Just because you had another child, does that mean you stop loving your first?
People on the spectrum tend to be very logical and don’t see why other people aren’t too. Logically, it just seems wrong that you would want to keep someone you love away from something that makes them happy, and hence jealousy as a concept may not be interpreted in the same way by neurodivergent people.
Literal like-mindedness
“Common Sense is an ableist concept”
– Lisa, Journalist
(Blog – An Uncommon Sense Approach To Polyamory)
Neurodivergent people although unfortunate, are a lot of the time forced to be attuned to the neurotypical ways of being as that has been enforced as the norm. So given the choice, they naturally gravitate towards neurodivergent social circles where they can understand and can be understood without experiencing othering. And when they have partners who are also neurodivergent, it makes empathy easily accessible on the pretext of relatability.
Some concepts that are not specific to but are more common in neurodivergence that would potentially require the aforementioned empathy in polyamory, can be the thrill of New Relationship Energy (NRE) aka the honeymoon period, hyperfocus which is the ability to focus on one specific thing, shutting out everything else. Special interests or hobbies that one can be extremely passionate about, seen a lot with people on the spectrum. Nebula-romanticism which is the difficulty in identifying the difference between romantic and platonic attraction because of their neuro-divergencies, and finally, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) which is extreme emotional sensitivity to perceived criticism, rejection, or disapproval.
Conclusion
The above mentioned three major factors of freedom and responsibility, overt honestly and like-mindedness make up the title for this article. Although I have put together this to support the beneficial crossover between these two, I’m not oblivious to the challenges that are also at play hence it is not to glorify, rather to simply point out the potential benefits.
Since there is not a lot of research on this yet, most of the information collated in this article came from first hand experiences of neurodivergent authors and journalists in a CNM arrangement, through podcasts, interviews and blogs. And I want to close this article with a reminder to the readers that this is not a battle of the more superior or morally acceptable relationship style for neurodivergence, as it is not as much an argument about monogamy vs consensual non-monogamy as it is about the freedom to choose whatever works best.
By,
Jensita Grace
In-house Psychologist, Talk Therapy Clinic
Resources
https://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2013/01/poly-and-neurodiversity-how-come.html
https://queeringpsychology.com/about/
https://www.theskinny.co.uk/intersections/opinion/opinion-an-uncommon-sense-approach-to-polyamory
