Theraverse . April 23, 2025

More and more young clients speak to me of casual relationships and polyamorous ones. When one such client first came in, I had to read up more on the subject in order to broaden the horizons of knowledge on the topic which led me to revisiting my own conditioned thinking and beliefs taking a deep dive into re-examining everything relational that we have taken for granted as being the ‘norm’. A casual relationship is a connection often characterized by low commitment, potentially non-exclusivity, and a focus on fun and enjoyment without necessarily involving long- term planning or a shared future that atleast to start out with does not pose any emotional dilemmas though a risk of attachment always looms ahead. But people opting for or transitioning to ethical non-monogamy or polyamory in a culture of monogamy may feel conflicted and have to navigate a plethora of emotions that can be very uncomfortable, yet growth-inducing and self- revelatory.

Afterall, nothing like a relationship to hold up a mirror in which you can witness and experience yourself, but with more than one, you should be prepared for a dual-degree level education in both knowledge of the self and effective communication with others which requires knowledge and understanding of the other as well, not to mention time management and organisational skills. From confronting triggered attachment and abandonment wounds to facing soul-searching questions on issues of self-concept, self-worth and self-esteem, relationships work on both psychical playgrounds and battlegrounds we live and evolve through, and polyamorous ones perhaps much more so.

When I reflect on the tug of war between the psychobiology driving polyamory and the socially conditioned psychology desiring monogamy or exclusivity and reflect on individual experiences and scenarios held up against this backdrop, I cannot but reflect on the ambiguity of so called morality and acceptable ways of living and relating and the unthinking herd-mentality driven conviction they are adopted with. There are many kinds of love and pleasure and of course not all pleasure is or has to be love. While all the pros and cons cannot be delved into here, I wonder if many tragedies and much human sadness could have been averted if people were more openly accepting of the proclivity to love or share pleasure with one or many. But then perhaps on a more cynically humorous note, we may have also missed out on many great works of art, music and literature that were spawned predominantly by the emotional turmoil of pressuring humans to conform to the culture, tradition and ‘norms’ of the time- many a times going against their own authentic desires, urges and callings. Besides modern society often confuses matters of ethicality and morality with legality and mood of the majority and our legal and social frameworks are a long way off from allowing for such nuance, ambiguity and complexity.

Let us also not forget that often that the outcome of the relatively less significant ‘what’ is largely determined by the ‘who’s that implement it and the ‘why’s that motivate it. In the wrong hands and for the wrong reasons, any framework (with it’s inevitable loopholes) that exists to ensure good for all concerned can also be wielded against the inconvenient few or many when power equations, vested interests and personal agendas surface or manifest.

From a simplistic and humanistic point of view, there can be nothing wrong with any kind of love per se, love as we understand it, be it in form or number, but one should look at the goodness of fit of the relationship(s) for everyone concerned. Perhaps we should seek not a perfect love, but an imperfect one that fits us perfectly. One that is mutually respectful, consenting and equal – that fulfils and supports, that does not trigger/challenge in a way that impedes healing and mental well-being, nor influence one to self-abandon themselves or their values in any detrimental way.

By,

Dr. Navina Suresh MD,

Consultant Psychiatrist, Theraverse